Weak

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One burst of a bubble

This week was really packed because all our events got placed into one week. I know we don't have as much time now that we're in year 10, but was putting cross country, the dance, and walk-a-thon together really necessary? Today, i also had tennis after the walk-a-thon but Annie, Lily and I decided to party at my house and shared ice cream on the way there, thanks for shouting Annie (: So by the time we got there it was like every muscle in my body hurts because that's what happens after you become crazy bitches. Omg, the awkward moment when my mum saw us from the balcony LMAO.

So the walkathon today was great overall, i had fun walking and "dancing" feel sorry for the people in the cars who saw us with Lucy on the way there. Funny how we kept trying to act calm but ended up being total speds because SOME PEOPLE BEHIND US DECIDED TO TAKE THEIR TIME. Luvos and photos were taken throughout the day and being my usual unphotogenic self oh wait, that's just how i look, you could expect most of them to come out terribly. I had fun singing completely off-tune and cracking my voice constantly but hey, at least i've finally been able to kind of let go and become carefree about what i do until someone approaches me. Finding different spots on the sand to butt-plant ourselves on and watching Lucy getting buried by sand, HAHAHAHHA. Talking about butt-planting, I performed a major one when Lucy decided to chase after me and drag me into the water after she failed to make Martha and Annie do so == might as well chuck some splits in the air while i'm at it.

For brunch and lunch, our group made our way to the Mexican food area where most of us ended up ordering 2 Tacos, because we're asian like that (Y) Ended up getting the onions Martha and Maddy cried while cutting even though I didn't ask for them ^^" We also had sausage/bread rolls and fairy floss which gave us boosts for diabete, great! I also bought a Lychee and Green Tea milk tea which ended up half-finished because 5 bugs decieded to invade while i went to play in the sand -_-" They did not just use my straw as transport. We also went to the playground where we climbed the spider and i got to spin Martha, Lucy and Annie and they all ended up really dizzy or collapsed on the ground, LMFAO. Then we played a tipping game and Martha kept getting in so she continuously tried finding sticks that were long and would fit through the gaps until she was like "I don't like this game anymore" haha, what a Martha :').

Then Lucy and Annie decided to troll my bad eyesight by saying my wallet was on a rock, so i had to walk all the way back to the playground and thought they actually left it there when Martha had it all along, haha.

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Let's just say we had a great walk-a-thon day overall, yeah? Because it was pretty damn amazing (:

May walk-a-thons continue to stay with us throughout high school and many more fun times and memories be made!

Chinese School

Why the freaking hell do i have a project i got given last week due tomorrow... BITCH. I JUST STARTED. I refuse to do this without being given the same time as everyone else, nor do i give a shit if the teacher rages at me.

5. My dream

When i think about dreams, i just think about the future and bigger goals. I realised i haven't been encouraging or motivating myself to do anything for the past couple of years and continually procrastinated so the future just seems so distant at the moment. I don't even know what i'm going to do, where i'm going to be heading, what I enjoy and i think the main reason behind this is because i'm not personally good at anything. There hasn't been anything i've been proud of and i've never really gotten far with what i start, so along with all my fears, it has discouraged me even more...

That's why my current dream would be to build my motivation up and encourage myself to do more things in life, that way i'll be able to discover something i enjoy and hopefully continue with it. That way i'll also be filled with less regret, and won't be able to say that i didn't attempt or try as much as i could've. Sure there are many other goals like getting my drivers license or driving a car without crashing it into a wall, performing on stage at least once in my life, doing well in school and at university and yeah, that's boring, but it applies for almost everyone. It's as if through the process of trying to build realistic goals i've lost my willingness to strive for more and slowly stopped chasing after any of my dreams, because deep down i fear that i'll be destroyed along the way, especially if i have to run further to reach it.

My dreams may either save me or destroy me but i'm going to believe that striving for more will allow me to do greater things in life and even if i fall down while chasing, there's only the choice of getting back up and continuing. So hopefully, a few weeks from now, i'll be able to say i've done something more with my life or aimed for a challenge that's harder to achieve because I don't mind being pushed to the limit anymore, it'll only prove how resilient i can be as a person.

4. Your sibling (or closest relative)

Since i don't have any siblings i would say my closest relatives would be my cousins. Although i don't see you two very much, i still miss you guys and wish i could come to China to visit you or you could come to Australia, i'm cool with that too (: I like how one of you is a computer addict and the other is a game addict as well as obsessed with ramen LMAO. You both treated me so well the last time i visited and did your best to make me feel welcomed so i hope in the future we'll be seeing more of one another and get to know more about each other. For now, continue being safe and healthy in China even with all the dodgy food and may the odds of us seeing one another be in our favour :D

3. Your parents

Mum and Dad:
Where do i start? I love you guys from the bottom of my pumping heart. You guys are the ones who gave life to me, that in itself is amazing and i'm sorry i never understood the pain you guys beared to do so, until now. I'm sorry for always taking granted of your existence in my life because as a child, i would hate the lectures and disciplines but it is only now i realise it was always for my good. Everything you guys have done were for my benefit and at times, it's such a big burden not knowing how i'll ever repay how much you guys have done.

You guys sacraficed your families, country and futures just so i could grow up in a better environment. You guys sacraficed your time, effort, money on me just so you could raise me well, and to think all those times when i treated you so badly, you didn't deserve it and i am SO sorry. Before i go off topic, through the flaws, arguments and all i inevitably need you guys in my life and how i wish it would stay that way. I love you dad for always caring about me without showing it and mum for showing it as much as you ever can, and although i wish i could just explode into how much you guys mean to me and how sorry i am, i find it very hard to express myself most of the time. Stay healthy and safe, my dear parents <3

2. Your Crush

Currently... i don't like anyone. I really want to concentrate on my studies BUT THAT HASN'T EXACTLY WORKED OUT. still failing at school Right now, i want to do better at school, improve my grades and subjects and prepare myself. Crushes, i mean, come on, we've been there, we've done that and we've always hoped for the best. BUT GUESS WHAT. That never ended up happening did it... I don't know if it's because i always ended up falling for the wrong people, but you always build up expectations, you always hold onto that bit of hope that maybe, just maybe they would return your feelings, but no. You just get the simple "i prefer it if we stay friends" Yep, that's cool too. Perfectly fine, i'm not affected at all... yeah no. It hurt like a bitch, but i couldn't help it, i couldn't help smiling when i saw you, i couldn't help looking at you when i had the chance and the worst part was, i did on a weekly basis. I felt so happy around you and it was sad that we drifted from even being friends because i didn't see you anymore. The good thing is that, it has made me grateful for what you provided me. So thank you, but no thank you, i wish you well (:

Day 1 - Your Best Friend(s)

Okay, i'm grateful for all my friends, in fact. Except with the closest of friends there's so much we've been through together. You guys have been my heroes, endorphins and i am so thankful i had the chance to have you guys in my life. During a coincedental time, you have each been able to make your way into my life and stay, that i hope won't change. You're the ones i share my problems with, you're the ones i go to when times are rough, you're the ones that i go crazy and high with, you're the ones who make me smile and laugh everyday, you're the ones who remind me of my worth and you're the ones who i cannot live without.

Yes, there have been times when we've misunderstood situations, there have been times when we argue over something not worth arguing and there have been times where we simply didn't put in as much effort but through all the imperfections, we have found a strong bond that's tied us together. No one ever said friendships were perfect, but they are one of the most worthy treasures i keep with me. You guys are the ones who allowed me to be who i am today, you guys are the ones who stood up for me, you guys have listened to my problems without complaint, you guys are the ones who protected me and saved me.

So I really don't know where i'd be without you guys, you have been my inspiration. My life has been undescribably better because of your existence, so don't ever forget your worth. I love each and everyone of you, so stay put in my heart <3

Tumblr Thirty Day Letter Challenge

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

TBH

Wombat:
Omg... where do i even start? Ever since the first day of peer support where we coincedentally met and decided to talk to one another, my life changed. We share food and drinks together, we share families, we share beds i don't know why that sounds wrong, we share houses, we share interests MOST OF THE TIME but there's also a lot of areas where we're different, and i'm grateful for that (: It has allowed us to fill in spaces for one another like all the times when you got the money that got scammed off me back to me LMAO or when you become my eyes 8) not when you make a joke out of me because i'm known to be the joke to you == and nonetheless bought us closer. Yes, there has been times when we've misunderstood one another, there has been times when we disagreed over something but who said friendships were perfect, right? I love how you always give smartass replies and i'm like OHHHH~ or OUCHHH unless it's directed towards me CAUSE THEN I JUST GIVE A -_-" FACE. We've had so many memories together i don't even know where to start, we've done many firsts such as staying in the city until really late, having midnight swims where i got so scared because the lights wouldn't turn on so then we called my mum down LMFAO and we've also changed as reality bricks hit us. I also remember our countless sleepovers and pegging game we did, i still have the pictures and videos on my school laptop, AWKS ^^ I love how your sneezes are like not even sneezes because they're so soft, i love your laugh, i love how you look like a wombat :3, i love how you have a flat nose < DON'T BE OFFENDED, IT SUITS YOUR FACE, DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIME I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT. I love your taste in music, i love your sense of humour, i love your personality and i love you... well because you're you <3 You are definately the sister i never had, you're awesome, wonderful, beautiful inside and out, caring unless you tease me and everything i could ask for. So, hopefully we can sort some things out and catch up on other things and mend bits and pieces which we've lost because who would ever want to lost their other half. I know i wouldn't, going to end it here before anything happens like my internet d/c, because everything of mine seems to be dodgy == STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF AND KNOW YOU'RE FUCKING the swearing was necessary AMAZING, ILY <3

I am genuinely scared

I am genuinely scared about what's coming, your ongoing symptoms, which i tried ignoring at first hoping they'd go away eventually, but they didn't, and they won't. Maybe you were just sick or caught a cold, but they appeared out of nowhere and you seem fine now, but your symptoms remain. I have an idea about where this is heading, i know what you do, i know you harm your body almost every second of the day but i thought you were invincible, like anyone else would. I thought there was no way anything could break you, but i was wrong, something has, and i am so freaking scared. Scared to think of the possibilities, scared to face the reality of the situation, scared to believe anything that's coming, because there's no way i can lose you. Not now, not ever.

TBH

So like, i really fail at writing these... don't kill me
Xiao zhu/pigchen:
Tbh, you are my freaking hero, you are my endorphin, you're someone i can lean on or go to in times of need and you have such a contagious laugh. I like how your voice can be low and husky and when you sing "baby" an octave lower perfectly (Y) I like how you squeal and sound like a pig but that's because you are a pig :3 I like how we did this routine of going to your locker and then mine and then to my house, and then when i send you off, i leave you halfway between a road LMAO but i don't think that's going to happen anymoreOMG, AND THEN THAT TIME WHEN YOU WERE RUNNING TO CATCH UP TO ME AND YOUR HAIR... HAHAHHAHAHAHA :') makes up for the time when you were chilling a metre away while I WAS BEING EYED BY A FREAKING FERAL CAT THAT WAS ABOUT TO JUMP ON ME. Except my instinct was more like MUST. SAVE. THE. FOOD. I like how our tennis on fridays are always crazy because one of us is always high... or all three of us. Especially when Lily decides to start singing on the balcony and everyone on the other side are like WTF ==" or when she decides to wear my reindeer hat, LMFAO. I like how when you say you'd take my pineapple juice to tennis, you literally did... i seriously thought you guys were joking LMAO but i learnt that you never joke about food. I remember our rants and we should do a cover where i'm the awesome backup vocal. Remember take a bow? oooOHHHH. You're a tank, so like when you punch me, i end up flying across the footpath, did i see a yellow car? SPOTTO. Anyway, you've been amazingingly awesome, don't know where i'd be without you, so ily <3

Procrastination

I procrastinate so much it's not even funny, I should motivate myself to do more... i always say that but end up getting nothing done. I mentally agree to do a lot of things which i don't end up doing physically, and it's always so much easier said than done :/

The A team

So today, Lucy and I arrived at the fish and chip shop in Rockdale and instantly "White lips, pale face~" was heard. Then we had this moment where we just stared at each other with our mouths open LMAO and then we began singing along with it. I feel sorry for the shopkeeper hearing out off-tune singing but... what's got to be done has to be done (Y)

Going high on shampoo and Conditioner

So yesterday my dad bought new shampoo and conditioner, AND OMG IT SMELLS SO GOOD. I literally stood there for a minute sniffing the shampoo and then the conditioner and then the shampoo and you get the point. Then i washed it out and the smell disappeared... devo. Oh well, at least i know what to buy from now on :D

Books

My english is terrible... my vocabulary is even worse, i think i need to read more books, LIKE YEARS WORTH OF BOOKS OMG.

-1 year later-

I should've improved my english... now i'm screwed for the HSC ==

It's coming

Just going to keep myself blind and oblivious, because sometimes, that's easier than facing reality. Just going to keep smiling until that day comes, when i'm going to be able to say "i told you so... i thought you didn't break promises..." and it's not because i don't have any faith, it's because i can feel the day approaching every single day, it moves closer... and closer... and before i know it, it would've already happened. I'll live, i'll deal with it, nothing will be wrong, except the fact that you won't be there anymore, nor will you ever be again.

This is what you get (:

You are a wombat, and you want a cat, but it ate the rat, and sat on the mat, but then it was too fat so then the floor went splat and the cat got squashed flat along with you, the wombat.

Insomnia

Lately, i haven't been able to sleep. I don't know if it's because i slept too much when i was sick but it's driving me crazy. I literally get out of my bed and jump around like a maniac quietly to make myself tired and then i can't fall asleep because i have this "itch that i can't scratch" condition when i lay in one position for too long so then i end up rolling 100 times and over around my bed. I'M GOING CRAZY. Then, in the morning, after i miraculously fall asleep i wake up tired as hell -_- and because my beds really soft, i basically sink into it and never want to climb back out. I think i'm going to need coffee, with lots of sugar that is. LET ME SLEEP IN PEACE, AISH.

What does it even mean anymore...

It's funny how we can hardly find any more reasons to feel happy anymore, it's like our happiness grew up and learnt to be bitches instead. like excuse me, come back here bitch. Shit only seems to increase as we grow up...

Thank you

Thank you for being there all those times i needed you, thank you for staying by my side, thank you for making me laugh and smile everyday even when you're completely broken inside. I AM SORRY, i have failed to bring happiness to your life. I'm sorry for letting you down, i'm sorry for not being able to tell what's wrong, i'm sorry if i did anything to upset you, i'm sorry if i made you mad or frustrated, i'm sorry if i don't show how important you are to me, i'm just scared that if i open up completely... i'll be left behind with nothing when you're gone. I'm sorry i wasn't able to shield away any of your pain and i'm sorry that i just don't know how to do as much as you've done for me when you're hurting so much.

PLEASE DON'T FEEL LONELY, OR THINK YOU'RE USELESS OR EVEN PUT YOURSELF IN DANGERS WAY AGAIN TO RELEASE PAIN BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE. THERE IS ONLY ONE PIG IN MY LIFE, and i appreciate that so much. I appreciate you, i apprecaite your existence, i appreciate how strong you are, i respect you for who you are so don't ever feel the need of having to hide that, not around your friends at least.

I can promise you i won't break my promise, so please don't break yours either, ever. With this, i've decided to open up completely to you, something i should've done ages ago, so please don't leave me with nothing in the end... ilu my long lost sister <3 I hope you'll see this one day, maybe? in the future? because you seem to be ignoring me now, hate me. But i hope realise how important you are, not only to me but to all of your friends, so don't let us down (:

R.I.P Grandma

I'm sorry i wasn't able to see you before you passed away, i regret it so much. I was never able to thank you for everything you've done for me, like when you came to Australia to take care of me when i was younger and when you protected me from getting whacked by my mum < haha, when you bought me ice cream which i dropped five seconds later, even when you whacked my hands with chopsticks until they bled to discipline me and especially all those times you took care of us when we came to China and much more so THANK YOU.

It's frustrating to think i couldn't even do anything for you, like what kind of a granddaughter AM i, OMG T_T I COULDN'T EVEN GO TO THE FUNERAL... far out ._. I know one thing's for sure, if i saw you i wouldn't have been able to control my emotions. Your death was too cruel... you didn't deserve that much pain, but you kept fighting until the very end. I'm proud to have a grandmother like you and yet ashamed at myself, it's the first time i've had a close family member pass away, i didn't even know what to feel except for complete and utter disbelief. I hope you're happy wherever you are now and maybe one day i could become a granddaughter you'd be proud of, but for now, i wish you the best, I love you grandma (': <3

Through all the tough and the great times, you will be missed for them all, love your granddaughter,

Jing Xin Yi (: